- So, the final scores are in and I can reveal
that in second place, with 7O points, I'm Spartacus.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
So, in joint first place,
with 75 points and a chance to win the ham,
we have a tie between Angela's Team?
And We Own The Bloody Bar.
(audience cheering)
'Oh!
- Which can only mean one thing, everybody.
(gasps) It's a sudden death tie breaker.
- [Audience] Ooh.
- And it's a geography question, here goes.
What is the capital of Britannia?
We Own The Bloody Bar, I'll take your answer first.
- It's Londinium.
- Right, 'cause I think it's Camulodunum.
- [Aurelius] What is the capital of Britannia?
- Okay, well I know it's Londinium.
- Well, what do you two think?
- I can only think about ham.
- I'm gonna have to hurry you.
- Okay, right, I think we go with Marcus.
It's the sort of saddo shit he knows.
- Thank you, it is.
I'm excellent at geography.
- Fine, go on then, saddo.
= Lendiniunw, 0% Lendiniunw.
- Angela's Team.
- We think it's Camulodunum.
- And the capital of Britannia is Camulodunum!
(audience cheering)
Angela's Team, you've won the ham!
(laughs) Well played, well played.
Nu» way.
- I'm keeping it!
(iii .
We own the bloody bar! (yells)
# When in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- Hello, Gloria.
- Oh, you made it.
Surprised you found your way across town,
what with your piss-poor grasp of geography.
- (laughs) Still on that are we?
How about we move on?
Try and find our way to dinner later?
- Hm, can't I'm afraid.
I'm having a wild night in with Barney
and his essay on the Second Punic: War.
- Is that not something he can handle himself?
- Oh, handling himself is the only thing
he can do these days.
(Marcus laughing)
He's in some stinky sticky phase
where all he thinks about is sex.
- Well, not sure that's a phase exactly.
- Hm, forgot his school books too, the dozy sod.
I'd get in a pedagogue to tutor him if I had the cash.
I know even less about this stuff than him.
- Well, why don't I tutor him?
- I guess because last night proved
you know even less than me?
- Ah, that was different, that was geography.
This is history, aka my specialist subject.
Especially the Punic: Wars.
And extra specially, the second one.
- Well, that would be very helpful, actually.
You don't expect me to pay for this, do you?
- Nah, course not.
Not in money anyway.
- Oh, it's really not a phase, is it?
- (laughs) 'Fraid not.
I'll make sure he gets his school books as well.
- Yeah, you sure?
- All part of the service, madam.
(upbeat music)
- Hang on, Gloria wants you to be a paedo for her son?
- Pedagogue.
Not paedo.
As in a tutor.
I'm a pedo, if anything.
- Right, sorry, language never was my specialist subject.
- No shit?
Do you even have one?
- Uh, yes.
It was not maths.
All right, well what was yours, dick breath?
Apart from being bullied?
- Well, where do I start?
Woodland dance, calligraphy, choral odes.
- Choral odes?
- Big time, baby.
You're looking at the primo soprano
at my school's chamber choir.
= f?
Isn't that a girl's part?
- Well, traditionally, yes.
But thankfully, my balls remained high
and hard until I was 'I8.
- So you were bullied then?
- Well, yes, obviously a bit.
Mainly by the girl whose solos I'd stolen.
- (laughs) What about you, G-Dog?
What was your specialist subject?
- Uh, probably lunch.
- Not a subject.
- Course it is.
Every meal is a test and I have a 10095 pass rate.
- Yeah, well, not anymore you don't.
' Hey. What you doing?
I were acing that.
- Go and take Barney his school books.
Like I said, there is no such thing as a free lunch.
- Mm, all right, keep your dick on.
- I must have a specialist subject.
Maybe it's fashion.
# Don't think it is, mate #
(upbeat music)
= Barney
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen Barney?
- Hey, you, what are you doing out there?
- Oh, s02.
I'm just looking for Barney.
- Are you a sixth former?
Mum
Mn».
- Then you're not allowed
outside the school gates at break time.
Game Elm same.
- Oh, uh--
- Have you had your lunch yet?
- Uh, not completely.
- Well they stop serving in 2O minutes,
so if you want something to eat, you better hurry up.
- Right.
Yeah.
I better had, hadn't I?
Yes.
(upbeat music)
- Come on, chop chop.
- Oh, yeah.
[firumie greening)
- By what means did Rome achieve victory
in the Second Punic: War?
So, the thing to do here is break the question down.
What does by mean?
What does means mean?
What does Rome mean?
- The city we live in?
- No, I know, sure, but what does victory mean?
Was it a victory, in fact?
Isn't that the question behind the question?
- It says how we won in the textbook.
- Forget the textbook.
We don't need it, you got me, I am the textbook.
So, let's jot down the ways in which
the Second Punic: War was in fact a defeat.
Are you doing that,
or are you just writing the word Sabrina?
- Yeah, um, sorry.
- Oh, hello.
Who's Sabrina then?
- It's a girl in the year above.
- Keep talking.
- Or maybe don't in fact?
- Oh, she's well fit, trust me.
Everything about her's perfect.
- Sweet.
She your girlfriend then?
- No.
Are you joking?
She doesn't even know I exist.
I'm nothing to her.
- Just like the Roman army
was nothing to the might of Carthage.
- So let her know you're something, brother.
Get inside her head.
- She's in the year above.
I can't even get inside her classroom.
- So build up your street cred.
Warm
lay some traps and reel her in.
- Just like Hannibal trapped the Roman army
in the battle of Cannae.
- Will you stop making everything about history?
Your man's bored shitless.
- But it is about history.
That's literally what we're doing here,
and Barney will learn to enjoy it.
- I don't think I will, actually.
I sort of want more tutoring from him.
- Oh my Jove, that's my specialist subject.
It's chirpsin'.
- Which will come in really handy
when he's writing an essay on the Second Punic: War.
- Look, why don't you just write it
and then he can copy you when you've finished?
- Because that's cheating.
_ S“?
You'll keep banging on at him
until he writes exactly what you want anyway.
- I'd much prefer it, to be honest.
- Yeah, I bet you would.
Your mum may not though.
- I won't say anything if you won't?
- All right then.
= Fellew Him, Barns.
I'm gonna teach you my trademark sexy lip bite.
(upbeat music)
- It's intelligent, yet readable.
Mam
It's up there with some of my best work.
In fact, let me just read it to you.
- Ooh, yeah, great, I'd love that.
- As would I, of course, but sadly I'm off out for a walk.
- A walk?
Since when do you walk?
- I'm a life-long walker, sunshine,
except for my first year or so.
Gloria.
- Morning, boys.
- Gloria.
Hi!
[HI
[HIDE
- Could not be better.
Barney has been raving about his lessons,
says he's learned loads of useful stuff.
- Has he?
I'm so pleased to hear that.
- As am I, as his pedagogue.
And I'm pretty confident
he's going to hand in a corker of an essay.
- That is such a relief.
I was beginning to think he was just a lazy oik
whose only interests were sleep and masturbation.
- (laughs) No, no, far from it.
- Well, thank you Marcus.
Maybe I can take you for dinner.
H ow's Friday?
- Don't mind if I do.
(upbeat music)
- Oi, wait your effing turn, lad.
- Piss off, burn face.
(boys laughing)
Ah, uh, get out of it.
Main?
Or what?
'Ah!
-[Boy]Yeah?
' [BOy] Geezer.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Break it up!
You, come with me.
(upbeat music)
What's your name, son?
Fifirumie.
= fifirumie, sir,
- Hm.
- What form are you in?
"Will,
- as?
What, you're 'I3?
- Mm, yeah, that's right, 'I3, sir.
And I am sorry about smacking that lad, sir,
but he did start it.
- Don't be. - Huh?
- Never apologise for a right hook like that.
Never seen such upper body strength in a lad your age.
- Oh, cheers, sir.
- Cards on the table.
I want you, Grumio.
I want you in the boxing team.
A lad with your natural talent,
we could finally beat Esquiline High.
- Oh, no ta, I don't really do sport.
- Oh, really?
Would you rather I march you home to your parents
and tell them about this morning's little punch up?
- Mm, not really, no sir.
- That's what I thought.
So, you'll report to training tomorrow lunch break.
Mum
I'd rather not miss lunch.
- Oh, you won't.
I make sure the boxing team get double portions.
Gum?»
Knockout.
- Good lad.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, my Jove, there she is, that's Sabrina.
I can't breathe.
- All right, yeah, you weren't kidding, boy.
Come on, let's go talk to her.
- Oh, how?
Only sixth formers are allowed out at lunch.
I couldn't get anywhere near her.
Oh, damn this shitty gate!
- All right, chill.
Leave it with me.
I'll go do some quality wing-manning,
build up the Barney legend.
= .
Worms,
You're the best.
- [Girl] You tell me.
(WWW!)
- Hey, you girls go to Aventine High?
- Last time I checked.
WWW
- Oh, you might know a mate of mine, Barney.
Handsome, funny, sexually experienced?
Year below you I think.
- Why are you mates with a 'I5 year old?
You're a grownup.
- Yeah, I know, no, his mum owns
the launderette next to my bar.
- You've got a bar?
Wow.
- Yeah, it is a bit.
When you're a grownup,
life's just like one big free period, so.
- Is it?
Well, you should come hang out at the fountain.
You can go halvsies on my packed lunch if you like.
- Could do.
What you packin'?
- Cheese sandwich and an apple.
- Mm, old school.
(upbeat music)
- I'm just saying, I found it
a bit hard to follow and stodgy.
- And I'm just saying, you're an idiot,
so stick to choral odes maybe?
- Glass of red wine please, barman.
Make it a large one.
= Really?
It's only four o'clock.
- Barney got his essay back.
- Ah, great.
So are we celebrating?
= Hardly.
He got a D minus.
- A what?
AID?
- Minus.
# Hate to say I told you so #
(upbeat music)
- Ajax, you sit this one out.
I'm gonna give Grumio a go here.
U? W! w, son.
Right,
keep your guard up, work the body.
- Got it, coach.
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
' Fight!
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- Well done, Grumio.
That was incredible.
- Cheers, I forgot to do the footwork
and the guard stuff.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
It's the punching them in the head that's the main thing.
- I might go and get that double lunch now, if I may.
I'm feeling dead peckish after that.
- You go for it, champ.
Maxim)
- Littered with factual inaccuracies, wild theories,
and absurdly long sentences,
this essay is a fiasco from start to finish.
- I don't understand.
- You read it then?
- Read it?
I was all over it.
The teacher has clearly got it in for him.
- I tried talking to Barney about it,
but he's in some teenage funk.
Farting's the only noise I can get out of him.
- Well, he's probably upset.
- He is.
Devastated.
But not about this.
The girl he fancies has some suave new boyfriend,
so obviously that is the end of the world.
I'll get the gory details about this essay shit storm
at parents' evening and report back.
- Or, maybe I can come too?
= Really?
I don't think we're quite at the co-parenting stage yet.
- No, no, I know we're not,
far from it, but for moral support, huh?
And I'd quite like to meet this Miss Marula, as it goes.
(upbeat music)
The whole education system must be totally fucked.
If a cretin like that can become a teacher,
they may as well ask you to work there.
- Any chance of asking him to work here instead?
I'm rushed off my feet.
- Yeah, what's going on?
Why have we got customers?
- They're all mates of Sabrina, so you're welcome.
- Sabrina?
As in Barney's Sabrina?
- Mm, well she's more like my Sabrina now.
“WM
You're the suave new boyfriend?
- Well, we're not, like, going steads,
but yeah, sounds like me.
- Isn't she about 'I6?
Mum
Mn».
Eff off, she's 'I7, very nearly 'I7.
- So shes W?
- She is, yeah, technically.
- Looks like you're the paedo these days, boy.
- Oh, as if.
She's extremely mature for her age.
She likes olives, for example.
Here, I'll introduce you.
Salarina?
Sabby, babes, come and meet my mates, and Aurelius.
- All right, Jason's mates?
Mm,
Nu» way.
My dad's got that tunic.
- Well then, your dad must be one cool dude.
- No, he's a fat solicitor.
- Is he?
- [Sabrina] Any chance of a top-up, babe?
- Yeah, sure things, babe.
Pop some more wine in that will you, Aurelius?
- Hang on, wine?
She can't have wine.
- Oh, relax, grandma, it's fine.
- No it isn't.
She is a child.
If we get caught, we'll lose our licence.
She can have milk.
- Milk?
I'm not a fucking baby.
- Well you're not far off.
Are the rest of them on wine?
- Just a bit.
(WWW!)
- Right, get 'em out, Aurelius, now.
Wm»,
- Oh no, come on.
- All under 18s out immediately.
Game
- Where am I supposed to take her now?
- I don't know.
Maybe try the sandpit.
- This is well harsh.
How come the boxing kid gets to stay?
He's only in year five.
(upbeat music)
- Huh, kids say the funniest things.
Grim.'
Sabby, babe, wait.
- You said your mates were cool.
- Yeah, sorry, I didn't know they were gonna be such geeks
about the whole law thing.
We could go shops, maybe get some sweets?
- No.
I should go home.
I've got a chemistry test in the morning.
- Very sensible.
Okay, you get swatting and then we'll do something
proper exciting and grownup tomorrow, yeah?
= [Barney]
- Eh, Barno.
What you doing here?
- I live here.
What are you doing, more like.
Cuddling Sabrina?
You're meant to be my wing man.
- I know.
llama.
(if.
- Who's the kid, Jase?
- She doesn't even know who I am.
I mean, that is terrible wing-manning.
- This is Barney.
I did mention him, briefly, a while back.
Look, Barn, you were right.
She is perfect and therefore unperfect for you.
She needs someone mature and suave
who's gonna show her a good time.
- And you're way too short for me.
- I cannot wing man you any taller.
- I thought you were helping me.
-lam.
Hey, coping with knock-backs, that's part of the tuition.
(upbeat music)
Well, cope a bit better if you can.
- I never meant for this to happen.
One minute I'm at the school gates delivering some books,
the next minute I'm in the sports hall
smacking the shit out of some kid.
- Okay, I think you've skipped out a fair few minutes there.
- Look, all you need to know is,
I've found my specialist subject.
Sewing.
Specifmzally, under 'I4 level.
- Whoa.
That is way worse than what I'm doing, to be fair.
- Well, neither of you have exactly
covered yourselves in glory.
- Uh, you can talk.
You got a D minus.
- Oh, that was a mistake.
I'm getting that fixed.
Grumio, I cannot believe I have to tell you this,
but you need to stop punching children.
- No.
I won't.
We've got a crunch match against Esquiline High this week,
and I'm gonna be absolutely smothered in glory.
Oh, and there is such a thing as a free lunch,
by the way, and your lad's on double portions.
(upbeat music)
- I am a little concerned about Barnabas' progress.
While his latest essay was much more,
well, dense than usual,
it also exhibited a certain arrogance.
- I would never describe Barney as arrogant.
- Well, no, neither would I.
- Because he's not.
And nor was his essay.
Provocative, sure.
Original, certainly.
Arrogant?
Nu» way.
- Marcus has been helping Barney with history,
well, trying to anyway.
- Hm.
Let me give you an example.
Yeah, so, while most historians
assert that the Roman army defeated Carthage,
I propose that the very opposite is true.
- What a fresh perspective.
- Oh yeah, fresh, as in completely idiotic.
It's like he never even opened the textbook.
- Well, how else could he have come up
with such a daring argument?
And maybe he's right.
Maybe Carthage did win.
- The City of Carthage was completely destroyed.
- Including the slums and open sewers,
which needed replacing anyway.
- Their entire population was enslaved.
- And transported to Rome for free,
which was kind of a win for them.
- It's genuinely quite offensive.
- Which I guess is too much for a blinkered,
jobsworth div to appreciate.
D minus is a joke.
I should have at least got a B.
He should have at least got a B.
Barney
It's fresh.
- You wrote it, didn't you?
- I did, sorry.
- Is there any chance Barney
could do it again, on his own this time?
- Yes, of course, but we do take cheating very seriously,
so I'm afraid he will receive a punishment.
(upbeat music)
I'll bin this one, shall I?
- Oh, well, hm.
- [Jason] It's not like we can get into any bars, can we?
- [Sabrina] We could go to a posh restaurant or something?
- Mm, that'll be well expensive though.
- Or go for a ride in your chariot?
- Sure, if I had a chariot.
Which I don't.
Oh, come on, it's not that bad.
The playgrounds a bit of retro fun.
- It's not retro for me, I only just stopped coming here,
and you said you'd show me a good time?
- And I will.
Strap in, sweetheart,
'cause you're about to go higher than you've ever gone.
- Jase, be careful.
- Oh, see this is the benefit of going out with a grownup.
I can push much harder than the boys your age.
Let's do a loop the loop.
(Sabrina screaming)
(Sabrina thudding)
(upbeat music)
That was fun.
Right?
- I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have cheated like that.
- I'm not angry about the cheating, Marcus.
I'm angry you got such a shit mark.
At least cheat well.
I thought history was meant to be your specialist subject.
- Now I think about it, I may have misremembered
my history of learning history.
I'm better at science, if Barney needs help with that.
- God, no.
Keep aWaY-
If he struggles from now on,
lam shelling out for a proper pedagogue.
- Fair enough.
So, are we still on for dinner?
- Wouldn't have thought so.
You are going to be busy this evening.
(upbeat music)
- Right, this is the big one.
Mm Hm
I haven't won a fight against these in all my 25 years
of coaching and I'll tell you honestly,
I will love it if we beat them.
Flit.
- Okay, 'cause I were thinking,
maybe Ajax could fight instead.
- You what?
That scrawny little pecker?
You're a killer.
- There is a reason for that, coach.
- Yeah, 'cause you're the real deal.
A boxing natural.
- And 'cause I'm a 29 year old man.
I'm not even meant to be in school.
I got mistaken for a kid
and I kept coming back for the lunches.
- Mm.
I've heard what you've got to say, I really have,
but the thing is, this is my only chance
to beat these bastards, so I'll pretend that I haven't.
Mm.
(upbeat music)
- Fair dos.
All right then, son, let's get it over with.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Bloody hell.
Midi“
[firumie greening)
(audience chanting)
- Are you sure we're in the right bit?
- Yeah, this is paediatrics.
- Paedo-what-now?
- The bit for kids.
Duh.
- Right, yeah.
- Fell out of a tree, my one.
Gum?»
Aw,
- How about yours?
_ Hm?
Oh, uh, yeah, similar.
Fell out a swing.
- Oh.
- I didn't fall, you pushed me.
- Well, bit of both maybe.
- Well, I'm sure your daddy didn't mean to.
- You what?
He's not my daddy.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought, are you the teacher then or--
- Boyfriend, yeah.
Listen, Sabs, babes, we need to talk.
- Yeah, you're dumped.
Mum
No, I was about to"
- I thought dating an older guy would be glamorous
and stuff, but it's actually pretty lame.
- Uh, one, it's not and two, I was dumping you.
- Too late, I dumped you first.
- I'd already started the dumping process.
- Well you didn't finish it.
- It still counts.
- It doesn't matter, Jason.
Grow up!
- [Man] Sabrina Alsesis.
(upbeat music)
= Hay. = f?
What happened to you?
- Got my head kicked in by a 13-year old, didn't I.
Kids today are proper vicious.
- Tell me about it.
- Lines?
That's pretty old school.
- I know.
Mmmmm
I've gotta write, I will not ask
other people to do my homework 1,000 times.
- Ha ha.
- Actually, isn't calligraphy
one of your specialist subjects?
- It is indeed.
I have a beautiful cursive hand.
- Well, I would love to see it in action, about 993 times?
- I mean, that goes completely against the spirit
of the punishment, you realise.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, wow.
That is beautiful.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music with vocalisation)
# I came and saw and conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Can you believe #
# I came and saw and conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Oh yeah #